Kid,
I wish I knew exactly what lessons I needed to teach you to help you avoid ever getting into the situation I've found myself in now. I look back at the last few years and I knowingly made so many bad decisions in regards to the relationships I got myself in. The strangest part of it all, is that I knew the entire time that I was making bad decisions, I could see the red flags and know that if I respected myself I would walk away, and for whatever reason I couldn't make myself do that. I'm not sure why I'm lacking this ability, or at least haven't developed it yet, but I am aiming to make sure you are raised with an inherent ability to recognize your worth and walk away from anyone or anything that doesn't value you as much as you deserve to be valued.
You, my dear, were not ever a part of the bad decisions I've made. I would not in a million years change anything that got me to you, never have I doubted for even an instant how much being a Mom means to me. I was thrown some curve balls (as you will probably be thrown to, despite my best efforts to prevent them), and life didn't go the way I had always planned. I was faced with a choice - take the risk of not being a mom, or be patient and hope I meet the perfect guy before my health issues make being a Mom impossible. I chose you.
I am sorry that I couldn't give you the family that many of your friends will have, but I will do my best to make sure you're never lacking as a result. Your Dad is not a bad person, and you will likely pick up a lot of positive traits from him. He is very smart, he's good looking, and he's funny...I'm sure you'll be the same. With that said, there are things I am glad you will not learn from him as I don't think they've done him any favors. I do not now, nor will I ever hate your Dad, he gave me you because he knew how much I wanted it.
So baby, we will work on teaching you to respect yourself enough to walk away from a bad situation, and I will try my best to learn the same.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Learning
Baby girl,
This post will be in vain, I know that already. I wish you could learn from my mistakes and avoid them in your life, but that's not how things work. But I suppose it's still worth a try.
I want more than anything for you to learn that being happy is the only thing in this world that you can and should spend your time trying to control. You'll hear it a million times, a million different ways, but life is far too short to spend it unhappily. Sometimes you will have short periods of unhappiness that lead to far greater periods of happiness, this is inevitable. The trick there is being able to accept that maybe the greater happiness you were anticipating isn't really possible, and maybe that unhappiness you're enduring isn't going to be temporary. That's a tough call. I want you to believe in the good in people, and situations, and sometimes that turns too easily into an unrealistic view of what good can actually come.
While you can control your happiness, you can't control the happiness of others. And since we're genetically linked, I'm sure it'll be in your nature to try. You've got to learn to let that go little one, it'll drive you mad and leave you frustrated. There are people in this world that fail to realize that they control their own happiness, and they'll blame anything and everything for their unhappiness. Don't be one of these people. You can ALWAYS choose to be happy. In any situation. I spent nights in the hospital right after I was diagnosed with cancer that were some of the happiest of my life. While I'll do me best to keep you from experiencing that kind of fear and pain, I know already I will fail, and all I can hope is that you can see the good in the situation and rely on the many many many people who love you to be there making you laugh the entire way.
I'm trying hard to figure out what sort of life you're going to have, or I guess, what sort of family set up it'll be. Your life will be filled with happiness and love, I have no doubt about that. Your Dad's role is still to be determined. I wish that I could had given you a traditional family, but I think it's far more important to have happiness than tradition. I want you to learn to look out for yourself, to learn that you are never stuck, that you should never be disrespected or belittled, and that if every day you are struggling to find a way to be happy that you need to find the strength to change your situation. The easy thing and the right thing are rarely the same little pea.
I cannot wait to meet you. I have dreamt of you for as long as I could dream, and I promise that for anything you are lacking because of the situation you're being brought into, I will more than make up for it in any way I can. I love you more than 2 parents ever could, and we have a whole army of family ready to do the same. Life will be good to you little one, I will do everything in my power to make sure of it.
This post will be in vain, I know that already. I wish you could learn from my mistakes and avoid them in your life, but that's not how things work. But I suppose it's still worth a try.
I want more than anything for you to learn that being happy is the only thing in this world that you can and should spend your time trying to control. You'll hear it a million times, a million different ways, but life is far too short to spend it unhappily. Sometimes you will have short periods of unhappiness that lead to far greater periods of happiness, this is inevitable. The trick there is being able to accept that maybe the greater happiness you were anticipating isn't really possible, and maybe that unhappiness you're enduring isn't going to be temporary. That's a tough call. I want you to believe in the good in people, and situations, and sometimes that turns too easily into an unrealistic view of what good can actually come.
While you can control your happiness, you can't control the happiness of others. And since we're genetically linked, I'm sure it'll be in your nature to try. You've got to learn to let that go little one, it'll drive you mad and leave you frustrated. There are people in this world that fail to realize that they control their own happiness, and they'll blame anything and everything for their unhappiness. Don't be one of these people. You can ALWAYS choose to be happy. In any situation. I spent nights in the hospital right after I was diagnosed with cancer that were some of the happiest of my life. While I'll do me best to keep you from experiencing that kind of fear and pain, I know already I will fail, and all I can hope is that you can see the good in the situation and rely on the many many many people who love you to be there making you laugh the entire way.
I'm trying hard to figure out what sort of life you're going to have, or I guess, what sort of family set up it'll be. Your life will be filled with happiness and love, I have no doubt about that. Your Dad's role is still to be determined. I wish that I could had given you a traditional family, but I think it's far more important to have happiness than tradition. I want you to learn to look out for yourself, to learn that you are never stuck, that you should never be disrespected or belittled, and that if every day you are struggling to find a way to be happy that you need to find the strength to change your situation. The easy thing and the right thing are rarely the same little pea.
I cannot wait to meet you. I have dreamt of you for as long as I could dream, and I promise that for anything you are lacking because of the situation you're being brought into, I will more than make up for it in any way I can. I love you more than 2 parents ever could, and we have a whole army of family ready to do the same. Life will be good to you little one, I will do everything in my power to make sure of it.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Change of plans
Kid,
Just be glad you're not here yet to experience the ups and downs of this decision. It's funny, this all started out as a plan for me to have a baby, on my own. That's how much you were wanted baby girl, so much that I couldn't risk not getting you for the sake of maybe finding the perfect guy. I probably overlooked a lot of aspects regarding the best way to do this, one of the hardest during this pregnancy was bypassing my better judgment and trying to force a relationship with your Dad. You'll do this at times to baby, and despite this advice I think it'll be tough to avoid, but always remember your worth and don't stay with anyone that tries to devalue you.
I talked to your Dad last night, I had every intention of pushing forward with what I'm sure was a doomed relationship, but he's in no spot to even consider that suggestion. I hope that he hits rock bottom and gets his life together before it can have an impact on you, but I don't know how long of a process it's going to be. What we don't need is someone that is so wrapped up in a mess of their own making that they can't be there 100% for you. You are my priority little one, and I don't think it's best to bring a Dad into your life that has no room to do the same.
So pea, we're going to rely on the family we've got for now, and we'll find a guy down the road that can love you the way you deserve to be loved. Until then, I'll love you plenty for the both of us. Don't worry kid, we're going to be healthy and happy.
Just be glad you're not here yet to experience the ups and downs of this decision. It's funny, this all started out as a plan for me to have a baby, on my own. That's how much you were wanted baby girl, so much that I couldn't risk not getting you for the sake of maybe finding the perfect guy. I probably overlooked a lot of aspects regarding the best way to do this, one of the hardest during this pregnancy was bypassing my better judgment and trying to force a relationship with your Dad. You'll do this at times to baby, and despite this advice I think it'll be tough to avoid, but always remember your worth and don't stay with anyone that tries to devalue you.
I talked to your Dad last night, I had every intention of pushing forward with what I'm sure was a doomed relationship, but he's in no spot to even consider that suggestion. I hope that he hits rock bottom and gets his life together before it can have an impact on you, but I don't know how long of a process it's going to be. What we don't need is someone that is so wrapped up in a mess of their own making that they can't be there 100% for you. You are my priority little one, and I don't think it's best to bring a Dad into your life that has no room to do the same.
So pea, we're going to rely on the family we've got for now, and we'll find a guy down the road that can love you the way you deserve to be loved. Until then, I'll love you plenty for the both of us. Don't worry kid, we're going to be healthy and happy.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Therapy
Baby girl,
I went to talk to a therapist today, this decision has been far from easy and I can't seem to find peace in either choice. The conclusion we've come to, is that for whatever reason, your Dad and I seem to clash in a very dangerous way right now. Something about our personalities, or our spot in life, is making for a volatile and overly stressful situation for everyone. It's especially dangerous for you, and for that reason we're going to back down and try to find some calm and peace to allow you grow in a healthy way.
So for now...the door will not be shut on your Dad, at least I won't be the one shutting it. I haven't given up on a family for you, but I have given up on trying to force this one at present. Lucky for us both, we have the greatest family on the planet that has very much risen to the occassion. You have no idea how fortunate you are to have the grandparents, aunts, and uncles that you will be meeting in the next few months. It's a complicated, non-traditional family, but I am convinced this was what I got to even out for all of the rough things I've been through. There is truly no better family in the world for you to come into, and for that you are very very lucky.
Love you kid, we will be ok and we will be happy..I promise you that.
I went to talk to a therapist today, this decision has been far from easy and I can't seem to find peace in either choice. The conclusion we've come to, is that for whatever reason, your Dad and I seem to clash in a very dangerous way right now. Something about our personalities, or our spot in life, is making for a volatile and overly stressful situation for everyone. It's especially dangerous for you, and for that reason we're going to back down and try to find some calm and peace to allow you grow in a healthy way.
So for now...the door will not be shut on your Dad, at least I won't be the one shutting it. I haven't given up on a family for you, but I have given up on trying to force this one at present. Lucky for us both, we have the greatest family on the planet that has very much risen to the occassion. You have no idea how fortunate you are to have the grandparents, aunts, and uncles that you will be meeting in the next few months. It's a complicated, non-traditional family, but I am convinced this was what I got to even out for all of the rough things I've been through. There is truly no better family in the world for you to come into, and for that you are very very lucky.
Love you kid, we will be ok and we will be happy..I promise you that.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Baby girl,
After that last post I made the poor decision to try it again. I so desperately wanted you to be raised with your Dad and your brothers that I convinced myself I could keep you from the stress. Baby girl, you may have a tendency to take on everyone else's problems as your own, to try and fix them. I'm not sure if that's genetic or the way I was raised, but let me tell you...you are not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own.
I'm trying to be strong, and it's hard because I know your Dad is hurting, and I know he needs help. But little one, nobody deserves to be treated the way I've been treated, and I don't want you ever seeing it and thinking it's ok. I want you to know what a good, solid, loving, respectful relationship looks like...and at this point your Dad and I are not capable of that sort of relationship. It's still too early to say what his involvement in your life will be, it's too early to say what will happen when he hits rock bottom, but I need to be strong enough to get us out of this situation before you are witness to things you should never be witness to. I love you very much and, for you, I will do my best to stay strong and do what's right for us.
You are very loved baby girl, and you always always will be.
After that last post I made the poor decision to try it again. I so desperately wanted you to be raised with your Dad and your brothers that I convinced myself I could keep you from the stress. Baby girl, you may have a tendency to take on everyone else's problems as your own, to try and fix them. I'm not sure if that's genetic or the way I was raised, but let me tell you...you are not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own.
I'm trying to be strong, and it's hard because I know your Dad is hurting, and I know he needs help. But little one, nobody deserves to be treated the way I've been treated, and I don't want you ever seeing it and thinking it's ok. I want you to know what a good, solid, loving, respectful relationship looks like...and at this point your Dad and I are not capable of that sort of relationship. It's still too early to say what his involvement in your life will be, it's too early to say what will happen when he hits rock bottom, but I need to be strong enough to get us out of this situation before you are witness to things you should never be witness to. I love you very much and, for you, I will do my best to stay strong and do what's right for us.
You are very loved baby girl, and you always always will be.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Tried
Alright pea,
I tried. I tried as hard as I could possibly try to make it work with your Dad. There are a lot of things that you won't understand for a long time about the spot he's in right now, but it's not a spot where he can be what we need right now. Besides the health implications for you of staying in a life with that much stress, I want to make the kind of decisions I hope you will make some day.
There is one purpose to life...be happy. I don't mean you need to be happy all the time, or you need instant gratification, but overall you should regard your life as a happy one. When you find yourself in a place in your life where you are unhappy far more often than you're not, something has got to change. And that change can be extremely hard, and it may make you temporarily miserable, but it gives you a chance to find a new path that can get you back on track.
It was a very tough call. I wish that I had set up a life for you that had 2 stable parents, but it wasn't an option I had. I promise that you will be loved unconditionally by more people than most. I don't know what your Dad's involvement will be yet, he's not in a place in his life where he can figure that out at the moment.
I made this decision because I thought it was the best chance at giving you a happy and healthy life, which I think is far more valuable than an unhappy traditional family. Don't worry kid, you will be well taken care of regardless of what form your family takes.
I tried. I tried as hard as I could possibly try to make it work with your Dad. There are a lot of things that you won't understand for a long time about the spot he's in right now, but it's not a spot where he can be what we need right now. Besides the health implications for you of staying in a life with that much stress, I want to make the kind of decisions I hope you will make some day.
There is one purpose to life...be happy. I don't mean you need to be happy all the time, or you need instant gratification, but overall you should regard your life as a happy one. When you find yourself in a place in your life where you are unhappy far more often than you're not, something has got to change. And that change can be extremely hard, and it may make you temporarily miserable, but it gives you a chance to find a new path that can get you back on track.
It was a very tough call. I wish that I had set up a life for you that had 2 stable parents, but it wasn't an option I had. I promise that you will be loved unconditionally by more people than most. I don't know what your Dad's involvement will be yet, he's not in a place in his life where he can figure that out at the moment.
I made this decision because I thought it was the best chance at giving you a happy and healthy life, which I think is far more valuable than an unhappy traditional family. Don't worry kid, you will be well taken care of regardless of what form your family takes.
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