Change of plans

Kid,

Just be glad you're not here yet to experience the ups and downs of this decision. It's funny, this all started out as a plan for me to have a baby, on my own. That's how much you were wanted baby girl, so much that I couldn't risk not getting you for the sake of maybe finding the perfect guy. I probably overlooked a lot of aspects regarding the best way to do this, one of the hardest during this pregnancy was bypassing my better judgment and trying to force a relationship with your Dad. You'll do this at times to baby, and despite this advice I think it'll be tough to avoid, but always remember your worth and don't stay with anyone that tries to devalue you.

I talked to your Dad last night, I had every intention of pushing forward with what I'm sure was a doomed relationship, but he's in no spot to even consider that suggestion. I hope that he hits rock bottom and gets his life together before it can have an impact on you, but I don't know how long of a process it's going to be. What we don't need is someone that is so wrapped up in a mess of their own making that they can't be there 100% for you. You are my priority little one, and I don't think it's best to bring a Dad into your life that has no room to do the same.

So pea, we're going to rely on the family we've got for now, and we'll find a guy down the road that can love you the way you deserve to be loved. Until then, I'll love you plenty for the both of us. Don't worry kid, we're going to be healthy and happy.

Therapy

Baby girl,

I went to talk to a therapist today, this decision has been far from easy and I can't seem to find peace in either choice. The conclusion we've come to, is that for whatever reason, your Dad and I seem to clash in a very dangerous way right now. Something about our personalities, or our spot in life, is making for a volatile and overly stressful situation for everyone. It's especially dangerous for you, and for that  reason we're going to back down and try to find some calm and peace to allow you grow in a healthy way.

So for now...the door will not be shut on your Dad, at least I won't be the one shutting it. I haven't given up on a family for you, but I have given up on trying to force this one at present. Lucky for us both, we have the greatest family on the planet that has very much risen to the occassion. You have no idea how fortunate you are to have the grandparents, aunts, and uncles that you will be meeting in the next few months. It's a complicated, non-traditional family, but I am convinced this was what I got to even out for all of the rough things I've been through. There is truly no better family in the world for you to come into, and for that you are very very lucky.

Love you kid, we will be ok and we will be happy..I promise you that.

Baby girl,

After that last post I made the poor decision to try it again. I so desperately wanted you to be raised with your Dad and your brothers that I convinced myself I could keep you from the stress. Baby girl, you may have a tendency to take on everyone else's problems as your own, to try and fix them. I'm not sure if that's genetic or the way I was raised, but let me tell you...you are not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own.

I'm trying to be strong, and it's hard because I know your Dad is hurting, and I know he needs help. But little one, nobody deserves to be treated the way I've been treated, and I don't want you ever seeing it and thinking it's ok. I want you to know what a good, solid, loving, respectful relationship looks like...and at this point your Dad and I are not capable of that sort of relationship. It's still too early to say what his involvement in your life will be, it's too early to say what will happen when he hits rock bottom, but I need to be strong enough to get us out of this situation before you are witness to things you should never be witness to. I love you very much and, for you, I will do my best to stay strong and do what's right for us.

You are very loved baby girl, and you always always will be.